Get Up, Stand Up for Yourself
Maya Angelou is not a stranger to most. A prolific poet and writer, Dr. Angelou is known for her life’s journey from a disturbed childhood to a dancer, civil rights activist, and the first African American woman to recite her poem “On the Pulse of Morning,” at Bill Clinton’s first presidential inauguration. From an early age, Dr. Angelou’s life and her literary pieces deeply affected me. Her accomplishments are many and venerable, yet her best triumph, to me, is her journey towards a complete realization of her power as a woman and her evolution into a strong one at that. Through her journey, she proved how she learned to stand up for herself.
I look up to my grandmother as much as I look up to Maya Angelou, both a beacon to me. My grandmother, Mrs. Savitri Misra, taught my sisters and me how to stand up for ourselves. She valued education and discipline and made sure that we got the benefit of both. The facility of education for women today is as accessible as it is for men. That was not the case for the women in my grandmother’s generation. She strove to get not only a school education but also reach a post-graduate level and started a respectable career as an English teacher, at the age of 32. I owe my foundations to my grandmother completely. Key to our education was our grandmother’s vision and her assertive nature.
In the struggles of great people like Dr. Angelou and my grandmother Mrs. Savitri Misra, lies a foundation on which future generations can stand up boldly and express themselves assertively. From both these women, one singular message was clear to me as expressed in this quote from Dr. Angelou –
“I not only have the right to stand up for myself, but I have the responsibility.”
– Maya Angelou
In my own life, I realized that being an assertive woman is a hard task to achieve and maintain. People quickly label you too forward, too bold, harsh, quarrelsome, and unfeminine. As it was, for some time I forgot the lessons from my two idols in pursuit of popularity with those who criticized me. I lost my voice. One day, not too soon, I realized that while I was preoccupied with being popular and well liked, my reasons were wrong. I became overly accommodating, passive, and permissive. Instead of raising my chances as a “nice” person, it damaged my existence further.
I realized that those who had decided not to like me would not like me no matter what, but they will certainly take me for granted even more.
They will see me as a weak person, dependent on their opinion of my characteristics and character. I, like most of you, am a work in progress, and I progressively work on myself for that reason. I am sure, I will never be perfect, but I am confident that I will raise my level higher than yesterday and keep moving up. In that pursuit, I understood that responsibility to stand up for myself.
Indeed, my goal is not to become unlikeable anytime soon. We cannot deny that it is nice to be nice to others. Also, likeability does make our lives easier as people love to work with easy-going and well liked people. Why? Because people are more carefree with a well-liked person, the environment is stressfree, and communication is clutter-free. In a workplace scenario, I would rather go to a person who is easy to talk to, even if their knowledge of the subject matter is less than that of a difficult coworker. I am sure our readers will agree. We could think of many other situations like this one.
However much we like the idea of being well liked and popular, we need to take a step back and assess if our actions are motivated to help and support or to stay up on the popularity scale. Are we too accommodating or permissive? All this talk about the want to be liked brings me to the subject of healthy and unhealthy patterns associated with this desire. While a healthy want to be liked by others is perfectly fine, when such a need borders on an unhealthy pattern, we need to take an overview of our behavior. Take a quick assessment by going over some points similar to those suggested below-
- Are my actions mainly for making somebody happy or it was because I genuinely wanted to help/support?
- Have I become the “yes man,” who will do anything even if it is a major inconvenience to or even a danger to me?
- Do I feel depressed/dejected when facing disapproval?
- Do I dislike giving opinions?
- Do I say sorry all the time?
- Do I speak up?
- Am I constantly trying to prove myself?
- Do I hate to be critical even when it is required?
If you see any of these patterns to be overwhelming your mind, you need to step back and give a quick overview.
Taking a synopsis of any situation is a great introspective tool in any situation and most important in this one as this is about self-preservation.
The good news is that with some effort we all can get out of this desperate need to be liked and become more honest with ourselves. The effort will begin by unlearning a few behavioral patterns and learning some new ones. While my effort is to point out some guidelines based on my own unlearning and learning, this is by no means professional counseling. You are advised to seek professional help if you feel that you are unable to move forward. Here are some factors that I think should help-
- Get comfortable with the idea – this could be a difficult step to achieve at the beginning of your journey but would be the most important one. In any situation, the first question we need to ask ourselves is “Am I comfortable doing this or agreeing to that?” If the answer is no, then it is obvious that we need to stop before saying yes. However, the outcome could be fear – the fear of the other person not liking us could arise.
- How to stop the fear – this could be slightly more difficult than the realization of our discomfort. At this point, we need to bring focus on ourselves. We have to remind ourselves that our life is for us, so we need to live on our terms and conditions. Think like this – you are nobody’s doormat.
- Speak for yourself – wow! What a challenge, isn’t it? While speaking for others might come easier to most of us, we fear speaking for ourselves. It feels selfish and self-centered, but on the contrary, it is one of the best practices for having a dignified existence. We have to remember that we are the most important person in our lives. That should make it easier to find our voice. To make it effective, we have to find the aptest time to speak up. It is important to speak respectfully and make accommodations for listening to others, even if it is a criticism. Also crucial is getting used to the idea that not everybody will like what we have to say. It is vital to use a voice that is strong but not loud, assertive but not aggressive, and firm but not harsh. We could be uncomfortable, so it’s best to practice alone at first, weighing the words so that they are impactful and convey our thought with certainty – vague words fall short.
- Use effective language – putting ourselves in the center and starting our sentences with “I feel,” “I want,” or “I need,” puts the onus on the person who is listening to us and connects emotionally. When we say “You need to do…,” or “You have not…,” it puts the person listening to us on the defensive, the meaning of our words gets lost, and we might land into arguments instead of resolutions.
- Learn to say no – remembering that we are adults and we only have to obey ourselves – this notion shall take us far and serve us well. As we all inculcate the habit of saying no when we should, all things from time management, personal space, and boundaries, start to make sense. The habit of saying “No” to things that do not serve us, acts as a filter as well. Those who took us for granted get caught in that filter as well. The honest connections will survive as our true friends and well-wishers will love and respect us more. A quote comes to mind that goes well with this-
“When you start seeing your self-worth, you’ll find it harder to stay around those who don’t.”
– Unknown
People who can stand up for themselves are empowered to stand up for others, who are defenseless. If we cannot stand up for ourselves, we will not be able to stand up for others. For being our own spokesperson we need courage and as Maya Angelou said-
“Courage is the most important of all the virtues because without courage, you can’t practice any other virtue consistently. You can practice any virtue erratically, but nothing consistently without courage.”
– Maya Angelou
And remember, Bob Marley’s song so powerful and beautiful insists upon it-
“Get up, stand up
Stand up for your right
Get up, stand up
Don’t give up the fight”
