3R Forumula for Empowerment

Lifestyle

Boundaries

I realized a bit late in life the value of boundaries in both personal and professional spaces. Boundaries are there to not only create a space specifically for yourself, but also help you focus on self-care, self-respect, self-control, assertiveness, responsibilities, and empowerment. I have recognized that personal boundaries are rules that we create in our lives to be followed by ourselves and by others around us.

Boundaries give us an avenue for self-care and the ability to say no to things that do not serve us.

All the same, boundaries are not negative if set with healthy limits. In the various ways, setting boundaries help are –

  1. Empowerment – you feel the much needed control of your life, as you find it easier to say no to things that do not serve you well
  2. Higher Expectations – you communicate that you need to be respected for your emotions and reactions to them
  3. Finding Identity – we do not exist in isolation, yet we are independent beings, our identity is always different from others, boundaries help us define/redefine our identities
  4. Easier Communication – with healthy boundaries in place, we can communicate our needs as we are able to understand our own limitations
  5. Self-respect – a person who respects oneself is in control of his/her life and can make decisions that have positive outcomes, can take risks and challenges within limits, and would not feel weak in moments of vulnerabilities

What is the Confusion?

 Often confusing it for love, we cross our boundaries and that of others. We do not only underestimate the strength of another person but also display the weakness of our identities. As I grasped the significance of laying my boundaries, I was able to separate my needs, thoughts, and feeling from that of others. These margins became critical to my growth and of those who I loved, particularly my children. Yes, children young and old also have boundaries, which is hard for a parent to understand due to the dependence children have on them.

I would often assume that it was a protective gesture, if I spoke for my children or another family member, forgetting that my intervention could hamper the much-needed space for growth for the person I was representing. We all are guilty of that!

Another problem we face when not watching our boundaries more carefully – is being too available. The keyword is too. We should try to be available to others, who need help and support, but we shouldn’t be taken for granted. Let me exemplify something from my life-

A neighbor fell into hard times. I offered uninhibited support. Slowly that developed into a situation where they expected me to be there whenever they rang my bell. I had to pull myself away from my young children and sit with my neighbor to talk and lend a shoulder. While I was empathetic to their situation and wanted to be there, my children were my priority. I gathered courage one day to tell my neighbor that I can be there for them one day a week. I was kind and supportive, but my time was for my children and myself. However, my neighbor distanced themselves from me. Perhaps they took my suggestion as an unkind one, but I was well-intentioned. People would not always appreciate your need for a boundary, yet you are not guilty of setting it up. I also understood that unless my conscience poked me, I was not at a fault. Listening to my inner voice was indispensable while laying my boundaries.

Offering help, advice, and suggestion without being asked is another situation where you cross another person’s boundaries, not to mention your own.

I have learned this the hard way. My help/suggestions could rise from my heart and out of love. Nevertheless, if I am crossing another person’s boundaries I am wrong – period!

Unhealthy Boundaries

As I progressed towards creating my boundaries, I noted how the trends listed below helped me navigate towards creating healthy boundaries – 

  • Whenever I feel that I am crossing my comfort level or breaching other’s, I know that I am barging into the area of an unhealthy boundary pattern
  • When I am not respecting the views and lifestyle of others, I know that I am out of bounds
  • When I feel at fault for other person’s feelings of dismay or responsible for their happiness, I have not respected myself enough
  • When I feel I have to fix another person’s life, my boundaries are weak
  • When I show unnecessary show of affection – it is breaking my own boundaries and that of the other person’s
  • When I cannot say “no,” even when my situation warrants it – I have no sense of boundaries

Types of Boundaries

What sort of boundaries we need to put, is up to us and our needs. I could be good at setting emotional boundaries but fail at asserting my physical boundaries. I might be too lenient on how I allow others to use my time or use of my things. A closer look within your life could help you assess which boundaries you need to work on in earnest –

  1. Emotional  Boundaries
  2. Physical Boundaries
  3. Sexual Boundaries
  4. Material Boundaries
  5. Time Boundaries

For more on each type of boundaries read this article click here.

Conclusion

To assert your boundaries it is important to communicate what they are, outwardly. Know that we’d always find somebody who tries to breach our boundaries. There is no need to feel guilty if we reassert them and close our boundaries to create healthy ones. Of course, we need to be cognizant of the boundaries that others lay for themselves.

Boundaries flourish when we learn to respect ourselves and others, leave judgment behind, and hold ourselves back when we feel discomfort or cause discomfort to others.

Reference